And I wonder out loud

I was a born planner. Every year, month, week, and day had a plan. Whether it was a class schedule or custom planner stickers that read "Bills", "Client Shoot", and the most recently used "Wedding." I had a plan in high school to be a PR/Ad major at the University of Tennessee and to pledge a sorority. And I did it. I had a plan in college to be accepted into the Ad program, join Ad Club, and get myself on the NYC Ad trip. And I did it. And then life became real life. 

I had the plan to win campaigns.

I had the plan to land a job in Charleston, SC. 

I had the plan to run the half marathon in two hours. 

No matter how many labeled stickers or color coded post-its I used none of those plans would ever work out. Because a better plan was already in place for me. I landed an amazing job in Nashville. A year later I found a house of my own downtown. And a year after that I ran the half marathon in 2:03. And then life became real life.

I had the plan to take every other weekend and travel to Knoxville to make it work with someone.

I had the plan to get my annuals negotiated and placed early.

I had the [now simple seeming] plan to have a pumpkin carving night on my roof patio.

I know there is a greater plan already in place for me but being the type A personality I am I have trouble keeping the faith in it. I get discouraged. I feel sheer terror because some plans are out of my hands. I feel that by changing plans I'm letting down those who constantly support me. This may not be how I saw 25 going but maybe that's the plan now. A month ago my version of being more of an adult was having my own phone plan. 

Maybe the Mad Hatter was on to something with his Un-Birthday theory but more like Un-Plan.

Maybe the plan now is to take care of myself, to say No more, to find a job that makes me happy day in and day out, to become the adult I want to be. Maybe Drake was on to something with the "small circle, not with different crews" ideal. And I know my mom was on to something when she told me all those years ago your 20s are the time in your life to be selfish and get to know yourself. 

Thank goodness I still have five more years to get to know Caroline and make some un-plans.